Fine Tuning the Machine

"Everything is connected. Separation is an illusion."

Is that true? I think so. All seems connected to me.

If true, then there is no division between our mind, body, and spirit. Mind IS body IS spirit. Hambone connected to the thigh bone connected to the brain bone, etc.

So if I'm going to fine tune the spirit, gonna have to fine tune the body, and vice versa.

Nine months ago, I saw a picture of myself on the beach with my kids in Tampa from the previous year. Truly humbling. There it was, bulging over my waistline in all it's middle aged glory. My gut.

I've always considered myself fundamentally skinny. Scrawny, actually, and I would say that description has been apt for virtually my whole life. I was Daniel Laruso taking on the Cobra Kai of life. I'd been between 165 and 172 lbs for as long as I remembered, regardless of my diet and exercise patterns. I've generally eaten healthy, exercised fairly regularly, and I just stayed the same. Always had. Always would.

At least that's what I thought. But this picture of me on the beach begged to differ. That was a gut, my friend. That was abdominal fat. That weren't skinny no more.

My encroaching middle-agedness had reset my metabolism without my permission, and I had gained an extra 10 lbs, a slow creep that had occurred over the last 3-4 years. I looked in the mirror one day after a shower and realized that I had become Flabby Man. Wasn't giving my wife much to look at.

Luckily, this blunt epiphany coincided with one of my chief 40th year goals: running a marathon. I started training, and I had new motivations. Spring was in the air. I started jogging 4 days a week, continued playing basketball the other three days, I felt my fitness level improving. I had a heroic turn in the Colfax Marathon Relay, where I ran the anchor leg and improved our team's place by 139 positions. I ran the Bolder Boulder a few weeks later in a personal best time. But the gut wasn't going away.

And then something else happened. Playing basketball one day, I went to throw an overhead pass and felt a stabbing pain in my left shoulder. It resolved within minutes, but soon began recurring everytime I attempted an overhead throwing motion or full extension of my left arm, which was a bummer but which of course didn't stop me from launching threes from the cheap seats.  I'm right handed after all.

Soon I put two and two together. I had a rotator cuff tendonitis. As I was improving my cardio fitness, I was atrophying in my upper body strength, something I'd never had much of to begin with. My full theory is that my infraspinatus muscle of the rotator cuff had taken a major hit when I had my left sided cervical disc herniation, which led to my discovery of kidney cancer. The weakened innervation led to muscle atrophy, for which my other rotator cuff muscles had compensated until they began to atrophy as well. My cardio training had pushed my weak rotator cuff over some threshold. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.) A gut, shoulder pain, cancer: dude, I was getting old! Not even 40 yet.

I have a friend who is a PT, and he did great work with dry needling and targeted exercises to strengthen the weak rotator cuff. I noticed a pretty immediate improvement.

But a lifetime of inattention to my upper body fitness was still catching up to me. I wanted to start lifting weights. but I really didn't know how to craft a work out that would meet my needs: build upper body strength while rehabbing a shoulder injury and simultaneously training for a marathon. I called a local gym and spoke to their personal trainer. He immediately dismissed me: "What you're asking is impossible. I can't help you."  Well, okay then.

So I called a different trainer, and this time I struck the jackpot: Mick. Mick fits the archetype of friend-mentors of my life. Guys in their mid-50s who have bucked the status quo, possess an inherently holistic approach to life, and have achieved success and balance amidst suffering. I doubt I could have a found a trainer more in sync my goals and my general philosophy of life. I told Mick I didn't want to be huge, just toned and balanced. Unlike the other guy, Mick was on the job. Mick hits the core hard. He does mostly body weight exercises and plyometrics. He focuses on nutrition as equally important to reach my goals. I've found him to be inspiring, challenging, adaptive and supportive.

For three months now, I've been working with Mick about once a week. It's been challenging, educational and exhilarating. I'm pleased with the results.  Are you?

I wish. Now, I'm never going to be muscular, but I feel stronger, more balanced and toned than ever before. The gut is mostly gone. Still working on the six pack abs. More of a hot water bottle right now, but getting there. My wife seems to like the results. Bonus.

The trick now will be maintaining, especially after the marathon and through the winter months. (I'll be heading back to basketball at that point, which is--almost literally--the only thing that can get me out of bed at 5:40 a.m. on a winter morning.) But unlike at any other time in my life, I feel like I have the basic knowledge and motivation to keep at it. I've gotten myself off the launching pad. Just got to steer the rocket now.

There are several other important facets of my goal to optimize physical health, namely healthy eating, healthy sleep, meditation, and yoga twice a week. (Flexibility is not a natural ability I have, so improving my flexibility through yoga has both literal and metaphorical value to me.) I'll share more on these components at another time.

I'm getting to bed tonight. Gotta rest. We'll see if Mark version 40.0 can reclaim his title in the illustrious Shaffer Stampede 5K tomorrow morning.

Edit:  I did indeed reclaim the Shaffer Stampede title today, against a field of 50 or so people, primarily composed of children and octogenarians. Funny thing: my goal was to get 20 minutes or below. Result? 20 minutes and 0 seconds. Mission accomplished. Barely. But still a win.

Blinded by the Light

Here's a song I wrote called "Blinded by the Light."
It's about the confusion that often follows a moment of clarity.

(Performed today at Columbine United Church)

Blinded By The Light

by Mark Foster

Last night I dreamt that I was trapped in a cave

The writing on the wall said that this would be my grave

If I did not find the exit

So I scratched and clawed and kicked until it cracked

Into the darkness came a sliver of light

And I tore the wall around it ‘til it rushed in so bright

That I had to shield my eyes

And I could see no more than when it had been black

But I woke this morning

And I looked out my blinds

There was nothing up ahead of me

And nothing behind

I’ve been blinded by the light

I’ve been blinded by the light

Last night I woke when I was lost in a dream

Sat beside my bed and then stepped into the stream

Of human consciousness

I felt connected to every other heart and mind

That brilliant light began to overwhelm

I fell to my knees asked God to take the helm

I closed my eyes to pray

And that silence and that darkness was divine

But I woke this morning 

And I lifted my shade

I saw seven billion monkeys

Marching in a parade

I’ve been blinded by the light

I’ve been blinded by the light

Blinded by the light

My wandering led me to a fork in the road

There was safety to my right if I could just crack the code

I gave them signs and tokens

But what they wanted was my money and my brain

Had to keep my head so I did not choose the right

I took the tunnel to my left and then I saw the light

And I ran ahead to meet it

When underneath I felt the rumblings of a train

I woke this morning,

And I hit rewind

And found the angel I’ve been following 

Was equally blind.

I’ve spent my whole life dreaming in black and white

Until the colors of the rainbow knocked me clean out of sight

I’ve been blinded by the light

I’ve been blinded by the light

Installing A New Program

Over the next twelve months I will be reporting through this blog on a self-imposed, intentional, semi-structured spiritual journey:  my attempt to carve out meaning and purpose for my shortening life as it unfolds within this universe of fundamental uncertainty.

Maybe that sounds a bit highbrow. In my mind it seems simpler, more like this: over the next year I'm going take this tangled knot of life experiences I've been given and try to make some sense out of it. I'm going to do it putting myself through the paces of physical and spiritual discipline.

There will be lots of unlearning going on, for sure. But honestly, I'm not starting from scratch. (Is anything ever really from scratch?) I'm taking the lessons I've learned through education, indoctrination, lived experience, inspiration and intuition, and trying to lay them out in a comprehensible way, thus creating a map of sorts of how I got from there to here, and maybe, just maybe, catch a glimpse where this path is heading next.

There are a lot of books, myths, stories, religions, icons, all people or organizations who claim to have it figured out. But here's the thing: I don't trust any of them. Not completely. That's not because they're not trustworthy, but rather because they're human, just like me. They're looking through this same glass darkly. As previously stated, I don't anticipate finding "The Way," or the One True Church, or to be blinded by sudden revelation of all truth. I don't think it works that way. I'm searching for a deeper understanding, a motivating paradigm, an inner peace. That would be more than enough. Is it possible? Can I trust anyone? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

One important point here:  "spiritual," as I'm going to use it, does not mean "religious." Not at all. My current sense of spirituality is this: the conscious cultivation of mindfulness, integrity, tolerance, humility, courage, compassion and creativity. Put more simply: soul power, baby.

Here's what Albert has to say about it: 

“A human being is part of a whole, called by us the ‘Universe’ —a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts, and feelings, as something separated from the rest—a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

 -- Albert Einstein

That's pretty cool stuff, so I think I will come back to this quote as a reference point for my progress.

Now here's the evolving outline of my self-imposed program:

Starting Assumptions and Motivating Hypotheses

(These may or may not be true, but they're a start . . .)

• "It's all one thing." Separation is an illusion. Everything is connected. 
• It's all energy, and energy never dies.
• God is a metaphor for love.
• We, along with the universe, are in constant evolution.
• Now is forever, and forever is now.

The Welcome to Uncertainty Program

Physical Goals

• Regular vigorous exercise.  
• Challenging outdoor adventures and competitions to keep me motivated. (First order of business:  run a marathon in October.)
• Maintain muscle tone and upper body strength.  (Working with a trainer to achieve this.)
• Yoga twice weekly to maintain core strength and balance.
• Eat a healthy diet rich is fresh fruits and veggies. Limit fast food and junk food.
• Maintain healthy sleep habits.
• Regular rest days to allow recovery.
• Desired outcome: I will be in the best physical shape of my life after turning 40.

Mental Goals

• Read, study, review and reflect upon twelve to twenty books of spiritual significance, such as the Baghavad Gita, the New Testament, and a variety of New Age philosophy, Secular Humanism, and Psychology, as well as some fiction. (I think I will probably re-read the Book of Mormon as part of this line-up. Right now I am finishing The Demon Haunted World, by Carl Sagan, and just read The Giver by Lois Lowry which I read for fun so that I could see the movie with my son. The book was okay, but the movie was profound.)  This list is still being compiled, and I will share it soon.
• Meditation:  maintain a daily, weekly, and monthly meditation schedule.  (First order of business:  take a weekend meditation retreat at the Shambalah Center in Boulder, Colorado.)
• Desired outcome:  I will become more informed about the great spiritual traditions and distill them into pratical applications to further my own progress.

Emotional Goals

• Meditation program as above.
• Stress reduction through meditation, exercise, healthy eating, etc.
• Avoid emotional toxins. 
• Maintain balance and positive energy.
• I have never worked with a licensed counselor or therapist, but I am considering doing so for the experience of it, to assist me on all of the above.  To be determined . . .
• Desired outcome:   I will develop increased tolerance, patience, and empathy. I will learn to let go of pain, anger and suffering. I will develop greater awareness of my surroundings and of others. I will become more emotionally available to my wife and children. I will strike a more comfortable balance between ambition and acceptance. 

Social Goals

• Explore different congregations and gatherings, including secular humanism, Unitarian Universalism, and Buddhism.
• Nurture my marriage, my relationships with my children, and my friendships by consciously creating time, space, and emotional availability on a daily and weekly basis.
• Semi-structured weekly coffee chats / spiritual discussions with a select group of friends and mentors. This is a major part of my plan. More to come on this soon.
• Engaging with various post-mormon support groups and email exchanges with others who are following a similar path.
• Communicating my experiences with the others.through social media and this blog.
• Desired outcome:  I will consciously and consistently communicate with others to strengthen my sense of connection in this vast universe, to broaden my perspective, and to help others successfully navigate their journey through life.

Service Goals

• Conscious effort to perform random acts of kindness daily.
• Weekly and monthly service projects and donations of my time to schools, churches, and community organizations.
• Financially supporting organizations that are meaningful to me.
• Desired outcome:  I will get out of my own head, forget my first world problems, and get to work serving others.  Jesus said it best: Lose yourself to find yourself. And Mother Theresa said it this way: "Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you."

Reality Check:

• I have bills to pay, a family to raise, a job to perform, patients to care for, responsibilities in the community and schools. I don't have the luxury of extra time or money to spend doing all of these things at the expense of my "real life." I feel pretty overwhelmed as it is. But this is kind of the point: striking this balance in a sustainable way. Merging the ideal with the real. Fortunately, I've already incorporated many of these things into the basic structure of my life: exercise, yoga, family time, Sunday church exploration, coffee chats, reading, healthy eating, service opportunities, etc. I will definitely have to trim some fat elsewhere to get the rest of it done. What I've listed above seems formidable but not insurmountable. I'm going to hold myself accountable for these things, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't get it all done. I'm just going to do the best I can day by day, with the bigger picture in mind.

But I guess that gets to three related points:

• First: Whatever grand truths I may discover on this journey will be pointless if not ultimately practical. I think of the old Buddhist proverb: "Before enlightenment?  Chop wood, carry water.  After enlightenment? Chop wood, carry water." Man, we are in the thick of it! All the time! We can prepare for and enjoy brief reprieves, but still gonna have to go to work the next day. So gotta keep it simple, practical, sustainable.
• Second: I am aware that this process can seem somewhat selfish, or at least self-centered. I suppose by its very nature it is. I'm trying to emphasize for myself the importance of service, outreach, and family and social connection. This whole process does me no good if I become snooty, intolerant, and/or isolated from friends and family. But it's my theory that if I increase my spirituality as described, that I will become a much better husband, father, friend, brother, son, neighbor, doctor and citizen of the world. "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Gonna try, Mr. Gandhi. Gonna try.
• Last:  After all of this searching/seeking/questing/questioning, I may well return to most the basic truth of all:  look inside to find my truth. Once again our friend the historical Jesus said it best: "The kingdom of God is within you." Amen, brother.

Creating order out of chaos


"In the deepest within, the most infinite beyond.  In ever-present awareness, your soul expands to embrace the entire Kosmos, so that Spirit alone remains, as the simple world of what is.   The rain no longer falls on you, but within you; the sun shines from inside your heart and radiates out into the world, blessing it with grace; supernovas swirl in your consciousness, the thunder is the sound of your own exhilarated heart; the oceans and rivers are nothing but your blood pulsing to the rhythm of your soul.  Infinitely ascended worlds of light dance in the interior your brain; infinitely descended worlds of night cascade around your feet; the clouds crawl across the sky of your own unfettered mind, while the wind blows through the empty space where your self once used to be.  The sound of the rain falling on the roof is the only self you can find, here in the obvious world, where inner and outer are silly fictions and self and other are obscene lies, and ever-present simplicity is the sound of one hand clapping madly for all eternity.  In the greatest depth, the simplest what is, and the journey ends, as it always does, exactly where it began.”

--Ken Wilbur,

 from "Integral Psychology: Consciousness, Spirit, Psychology, Therapy"