Friday, January 30, 2015

Checkmate

Since right around my 40th birthday, I've unexpectedly found myself immersed in a new craze: chess.
I've played chess my whole life, always enjoyed it. But until now, I had never put much thought into how to play, never studied tactics or strategy, never studied grandmaster games or analyzed my own strengths and weaknesses as a player. I played wild, intuitive, Captain Kirk-style chess. Always attacking, occasionally pulling a brilliant checkmate out of thin air. But the simple truth was that I wasn't very good, and I didn't even know it. Better opponents had their way with me, much to my bewilderment. They seemed to have method to their games, whereas I had none.

I'm still not very good, but I'm twice the player I used to be. (What's 2 x 0?) But there is the semblance of method to my madness now, and I owe this to two people: my son Grant, and his chess coach, Ann. 

If Chess-Craziness were a disease, then Grant and I caught it from Ann, whose genuine enthusiasm for chess is both boundless and contagious. Seriously. This woman eats, sleeps, breathes chess. When she teaches chess, an irrepressible joy radiates into her speech and body language. Ann was a grade school teacher and the chess club supervisor at Grant's school until she retired last year. But she saw great promise in my mathematical, competitive son's chess-playing. And she's harbored a lifelong dream of starting a chess school.

So Ann reached out over the summer and offered to be Grant's chess coach. Once a week for the last five months, we've met for a couple of hours at a local Barnes & Noble to learn the finer points of the game. I started out as a parent chauffeur, but soon became totally transfixed by the lessons myself. How can one become transfixed by watching someone else explain and demonstrate chess moves? Well, if you're asking that question, you've obviously never been afflicted with Chess-Craziness, nor had Ann as your teacher.

Ann has taught tactics to which my mind was previously blind: openings, exchanges, skewers, forks, and end game calculations. What a difference it makes to have a game plan other than "I'm gonna catch my opponent by surprise!" Ann calls this Hope Chess. I was the Hope Chess Master.

Now the chess virus has spread to my other son, Justin, and even to Elizabeth and Joy. The most frequent activity at our house? Chess games and puzzles. (Chess puzzles are little worksheets or apps asking you to guess the best move.) All of this chess immersion has culminated in a couple of small tournament championships and trophies for our boys, both Grant and Justin. But the biggie is the state-wide scholastic tournament in two weeks. Ann thinks Grant has a chance. He has a naturally aggressive style, probably picked up from playing his wildly attacking daddy so often. But he sees several moves ahead, engineering complex multi-piece attacks, setting and springing traps, taking the initiative and never letting go. Grant and I have been keeping track of our games since Christmas. Through seventy-five games, we're neck and neck, me clinging right now to a one game lead. He and I typically engage in throwing haymakers from the back ranks. They're slugfests. They tend to be fun and pretty quick games. Perhaps you'd like to come and watch us play sometime? Maybe if your paint has already dried?

They say that there are 10123 potential variations of a chess game. This is called the Shannon number. That is a number way way bigger than the number of atoms in the entire universe. Think of all of the grains of sand on every beach and desert in the world. There are something like 10 quintillion atoms in every grain of sand.  Now think of all of the grains of sand on every planet and rock in the entire universe. And of course you haven't even made the smallest scratch in the surface of all of the atoms in every galaxy, nebula, star, planet, moon, ocean, organism, bacteria, etc. We're talking incomprehensibly big numbers. But think of it. If you wanted to count every possible chess game variation, and you wanted to assign one atom in the universe to stand for each possibility--you simply couldn't it do it. You'd run out of atoms before you ran out of chess variations. Dude. All this possibility emerging from an 8 x8 chess board with 32 pieces.

And this is why I think chess has really grabbed me, and why I'm bothering to write about it in my post-Mormon spiritual quest blog. It is order from chaos. For something so infinitely complex, it is also a competition with set goals, boundaries and rules. There are a bazillion bazillion variations, but only hundreds of possible moves from each position. Of those, only a dozen or so are decent moves, and only one or two are best moves. Computers making millions of calculations a second still take a few seconds to sort these moves out. But the human mind surveys, calculates, extrapolates, devises. And then, if it's my mind, it throws the queen deep into enemy territory only to have it captured by the knight it was somehow oblivious to.

But the point is that it is a system of order and strategy. Very little is left to random chance. A superior player, such as Ann, will lead you along inexorably towards a checkmate. She sets the tempo, grabs the initiative, gets inside your head, and then springs the trap. Yet even she considers herself a middling player, of course comparing herself to chess masters.

In a year in which I'm trying to discern--or create, or imagine--order emerging out of spiritual chaos, chess has exerted a powerful hold over my mind. I like to play it. I like to think about it. Heck, I even like to watch other people play.

I have a dream of sitting on a beach somewhere when I'm eighty, with nothing to do other than play game after game with my children and grandchildren. I'll have honed my skills to a razor's edge by then--or at least learned enough gimmicks to give that impression. I'll lure the little grandchildren in, set the trap, and then beat them with a brilliant queen move from the back ranks. "Checkmate," I'll announce. Playfully absorbing their awe, intending to assuage their pain, I'll reach my hand out in victory . . . only to watch them reach for their knight instead. Bye bye, queenie.

This game, with its simple structure and infinite permutations, promises to fascinate, torment, and humble me forever. Or at least another forty to fifty years. Sounds like a fun way to pass the time.

Ann whooping all of the Foster boys simultaneously, called a "simul."

Complex persecution, or persecution complex?


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Christmas Stories

(This post is not meant to offend anyone who maintains a literal belief in the events of the Christmas story, but rather to offer some personal reflections on the powerful spirit that permeates this time of year. I intentionally didn't post this during the holidays so as not to offend. So no bah humbug here, just honesty. But if you prefer your beliefs remain unchallenged, then you probably should head elsewhere.)



December 2014

I recently went to a fantastic Christmas concert for Sound of the Rockies, a hundred-strong men's a cappella chorus. Last year we went to see a friend perform, and although he's since moved to Arizona, we were so blown away by the quality and spirit of the performance, that we went back this Christmas, this time taking the kids.
A hundred men's voices, each song ending in a roof-blowing, spine-tingling crescendo of perfect, multi-layered harmony. It was energetic and immersive. All night, the music moved back and forth from secular ("I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus") to religious ("O Holy Night"). It was funny, moving, serene. My children loved it. My seven-year old was transfixed for almost three hours, a miracle in itself.

As I watched him absorbed in it all, I couldn't help but think about his perspective. Against all odds (and the thinly veiled skepticism of his two older siblings), he still believes in Santa Claus. Actually, I would venture at this point that he persists in belief of the Big Red Guy out of sheer force of will. (And trust me, this boy has a formidable will.) And yet, taking a cue from his parents, he says he doesn't believe in God.

The irony, eh? Still believes in Santa, because of his naiveté, his precious youthful yearning for magic (and, undoubtedly, for presents--there's a potential price for disbelief!), and his complete trust in his parents to not tell him a lie--those same parents who have been conflicted but complicit in the Big Lie his whole life.
"Something seems a little off here . . ."
So he believes in Santa, and yet doesn't believe in God. Hmmm . . . Is this a good thing? I think so. Are we depriving him of some sacred right to still believe in God? No. For now and into the future, if he expressed that inclination, we wouldn't dissuade him. We're simply being honest with him. We're not pretending to believe in things we don't. We've discovered a reverence and awe for the natural world, for science, for the human condition, that feels nearly equal to that which we ever harbored for our conception of God. And it's another blog post, but I think it is short-sighted reaction that believers tend to have towards non-believers, that they can't live lives of integrity. I believe that honesty, integrity, values, compassion, and authenticity can be found in equal (or more) abundance within a secular philosophy.

But I've decided not to label myself anymore. I'm open to the idea that there is some underlying order and purpose to our existence, that there is a generally benevolent creative force that is unfolding itself, a Universe self-actualizing through us. But I don't believe in a personal, literal God or afterlife. So atheism doesn't fit exactly. I like secular humanism, but it feels a bit euphemistic. Despite my fondness for Buddhism and new practice of meditation, I'll never be a Buddhist. It's orthodoxy seems just as goofy to me. Taoist sounds pretty good, but I'm still not sure exactly what that means. After reading a biography of Albert Einstein, I thought Einsteinian Agnostic fit pretty well: he didn't believe in a personal God, but found divinity in the prevailing order of the Cosmos. But that's not a defined label. Sometimes I think Jedi Knight would fit best--but I'm not sure I have a high enough mitichlorian count to be legitimate. But bottom line is, I'm still a spiritual work in progress, and I'm committed to pursuing my belief (or lack thereof) with integrity, without pretense, and without shrinking from hard questions. If at any time I feel like I am compelled by evidence or experience to believe in a certain way, then I will do so. But at this point, I'm not standing for anything. Just moving purposefully towards love and justice.

Which brings me to my feelings about Jesus. When I first left Mormonism, I found most resonance with the idea of "Christian Universalism." This seemed to allow me to be at once Christian without the constraints of orthodoxy. "Christ's love is so powerful and pervasive that it simply doesn't matter what you believe. He will save us all." This was more comfortable for a time than throwing the baby Jesus out with the Mormon bathwater, because I once had what seemed a deep and unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer. For all of my criticisms of Mormonism, that was one thing that it planted deep in me: a faith in Christ.
(There is a Mormon legend that this painting represents "the best likeness of Jesus" that the Mormon prophet had ever seen, clearly implying intimate familiarity. As missionaries, we used this picture when teaching about Jesus. Thus this was the image I utilized when visualizing my future interactions with him. Seemed legit.) 
I remember feeling, shortly before coming home from my proselyting mission in Brazil, that I wanted to do nothing but preach Christ resurrected for the rest of my life. In fact, I couldn't imagine what else in life would even be worth discussing. How could people go to movies, go on dates, read other books, have careers? None of that mattered. Jesus was the reason, this season and every season! I was in the thrall of my faith. Jesus Christ was to my mind an absolute actuality, the most real and important thing in the universe, the gravitational center around which everything else orbited. I baptized converts, said my daily prayers, made covenants in the temple to offer my life to him and his church if necessary, offered my heartfelt service to my fellow man, all in his name. I had dreams of bathing his feet with my tears, of watching him suffer for my sins in the Garden of Gethsemane, bleeding from every pore. I imagined feeling his perfect loving embrace when I successfully completed my mission here on earth, weeping as I touched the nail prints in his hands and feet, hopefully to be admitted to his presence in the Celestial Kingdom, where he would say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." A persistent semi-vision came to me: I was one of the infinite hosts of heaven, clothed in white, bathed in light, singing the anthemic Hallelujah chorus within a giant celestial coliseum as Christ the King entered triumphant to claim as his own all those who confessed him to be their Savior . . . and, of course, who also kept their Mormon covenants.

During my medical residency in Greeley, a man wrote an op-ed piece in the Greeley Tribune, slamming Joseph Smith, claiming that Mormons weren't Christian. Why? I don't know. He hated Mormons. So I wrote a rousing rebuttal, sidestepping any controversy about the prophet (I sincerely knew nothing about any controversy. True to Mormon scripture, I thought Joseph Smith was second only to Jesus Christ in his righteousness and importance before God. There was no dirty laundry. Nothing to be ashamed of.) So I responded in print as a Mormon doctor with a fervent testimony of Christ as Savior. It was widely read in the community. I received many kudos from Mormons and non-Mormons alike for so vigorously and articulately defending my faith in Christ.

Now, for those who maintain a literal belief in Christ, I sincerely honor you here. That is a beautiful, powerful, compelling force in a person's life. I remember it well, often with aching nostalgia. As you probably feel now, your faith seems to transcend your physical experience, more real than reality, offering you hope of eternal exaltation and thus purpose and direction, a solid anchor point in the liquid fray of life. A real part of me hopes that can last for you, like it couldn't for me.

Imagine, for a moment, what it would be like to lose that faith, that certainty, for that sure foundation to suddenly dissolve beneath you, dropping you into an endless ocean of doubt. Imagine if this erosion of faith felt totally inevitable, irreversible, just like water can't hold it's shape once the glass breaks. Imagine how you might flail if suddenly everything you once believed seemed to become false, that everyone you trusted seemed to be either lying, oblivious, or lost like a child in an infinitely-layered fable. Your foundation of rock has suddenly turned into sand.

Or let's say the course of your life has led you inexorably towards a cliff that's standing at the very edge of the world. The Void. When you walk to the edge of the abyss, and look over your shoulder at the comfortable lights of home behind you, with all of your family and friends entreating you to return, and with seemingly nothing before you except darkness, will you turn back? Or will you proceed onward into that darkness? Why would you? Well, you know what's behind you. You've seen it for what it is. It seems empty and hopeless. But then a glimmer of hope shines down in the Void: could the dark clouds in front of you actually be concealing something profound, beautiful, and true?

Both choices before you are compelling, yet both seem like a suicide. You have reached an excruciating decision point: you must, due to the relentless forward pressure of life, make a fateful choice, either to return to that inauthentic falsity of your previous faith that still beckons you, or to trust your internal compass and leap into the unknown. But one way of the other, you're forced to move.

Maybe you can see that it is not a step taken lightly, or without consideration of consequences. Give me, my believer friend, for a moment, the benefit of your doubt, that I too wanted to believe, that I did believe, so badly that it when I ceased to believe it felt like my heart had been carved out of my chest. Maybe you can understand that, despite the severe and potentially eternal costs involved, I became simply unable to maintain the charade anymore. I could no longer pretend, or twist myself in intellectual pretzels, or lie to my daughter's face, just like I couldn't stick my head in sand and hope to keep breathing. I was going to be authentic before myself, before my family, before society, and, if it applied, before God, even if it killed me. No more crippling cognitive dissonance. If God existed, he would honor my courage and integrity--and if he didn't honor those indivisible aspects of my soul, then he wasn't a God I could have faith in, or want to spend an eternity with. But if he didn't exist, then I had never had anything real to fear losing anyway, and so for the perceived severe price of my disaffection, I would have purchased an insight of great importance into the nature and purpose of my shortening life.

The lights in the void beckoned. The gates behind me closed. It was Pascal's wager in reverse: everything to gain, and nothing to lose. You know my choice. My reach was away from a personal God, off of the straight and narrow path, and towards hope, staring across those mists of darkness, that formless void, and whispering, Let there be light, please.

Back to Christmas. As I watched my son enthralled by the sights and sounds of this Christmas concert, a mash-up of the secular and the sacred, an elusive, child-like insight fluttered across my mind, something I knew, but that I now saw through my son's wide eyes. They're just stories! Santa Claus. Baby Jesus. Elves and reindeer. Angels and wise men. Each as real or fictional as the other. And what awesome stories they are! Fun, poignant, cozy, directive. Perhaps not "true," yet with human truth embedded within them. Be good, be giving, be hopeful. You are known and loved. Within these Christmas stories, I was able to find beauty and truth this season, acknowledging them on a believer's terms, accepting them on mine.

That's how I see it. Our civilization conspires--collectively, unconsciously--to perpetuate these Christmas stories, because of their magic and their morals. Because we children and adults want so desperately for something to hold on to. Because we live in a real world that often feels like a dream. Because we sense there must be some grand mystery to it all, some wizard behind the curtain. Because we hope some big jolly guy is checking our name off his list, or reaching back for us from beyond the veil. We need nice stories to tell by the fireplace on Christmas Eve when it's snowing outside, or in the chapel on Sunday morning before we head to war. This is a level on which I can appreciate these stories, remembering their magic for me in my youth, holding them both carefully and skeptically in my palms, where I can find some salvageable truths worth sharing with my children. But they will be shared as such. As stories. Not as the moon itself, but as fingers pointing to it. All available angles will be presented with good will and careful scrutiny, and my son will have the choice of what he chooses to believe, or not. No threats of supernatural consequences, no pretensions to privileged authority.

This Christmas, he chose to believe, in Santa at least. The minute he expresses true doubt, the ruse will be revealed. Hugs given, congratulations for being such a smart boy and figuring it out. But that hasn't happened yet. His reasons for maintaining belief are still too strong. It was an awesome Christmas. Our youngest boy was lit up with magic and delight all season long.

And wouldn't you know it? The big fella came through again. Lots of thoughtful and quirky presents under the tree.

Well played, Mr. and Mrs. Claus. Well played.



Sunday, January 4, 2015

Space and Time

The Christmas season was fantastic. Prime time with the family. Tree comes down tonight, and the New Year seems a convenient opportunity to recommit to accomplishing my 40th Year goals: Installing a New Program

Haven't written much over the past three weeks, because besides holiday stuff, flu season exploded at my clinic. Between work, sickness, and holidays, time has been scant.

And that's what I want to address briefly tonight, this crazy thing we call time, and our perceived scarcity of it.

For the most part, I feel young still. But I'm getting older, at the crest of the hill, my midlife summer solstice. The days start shortening from here on out. That's almost impossible for me to believe. Time seems to be playing tricks on me more and more.

I've always had a temperamental concept of time. I think most of us have this weird sensation periodically. I remember as a Mormon missionary in Brazil in the early 1990s first hearing the phrase, "The days are like weeks, and the weeks are like days." That seemed so profoundly paradoxical, especially in that season of my life. Each day seemed to stretch from dawn to dark, chock-full of activities and meetings and things that seemed so eternally consequential. And yet I'd look up and two months had gone by, and I was being transferred to a new area, ever closing in on the end of my 24 month assignment. It lasted forever, and then suddenly it was over. When these transfers occurred, I remember feeling mixtures of angst and sorrow.  "No!" I thought, "It's slipping away, never to return, and I haven't appreciated it fully!" This same relationship with time continued through college and med school.

Parenting upped the ante. All of us parents know how disconcerting it can be to realize, with a gulp in the throat, that somehow, in some unstoppable way, your infant is now a toddler is now a grade-schooler, and your daughter went from age nine to age thirteen overnight. And equally terrifying, you realize that process is never going to reverse. The time train moves only one direction, at least in our reference frame. (Unless you're Benjamin Button.)

But then you get to looking at family photo albums, and you realize that all the momentous things that happened since 2006, which seem surprisingly fresh in the memory banks, happened before your youngest was even born. How can that be? You mean our 2006 Honda Pilot, which still seems like a somewhat newish vehicle to me, is a year older than my littlest? Impossible. He's been with us forever.

A new wrinkle in this phenomenon is playing out this year. Age 40 is such a convenient milestone that it's easy to gaze forward and back in time and think, What was I doing ten years ago? and Where will I be in another ten? Twentieth high school reunion is 3 years in the bag. Suddenly age 50 isn't so far away--I'll have three kids in college?? Better start saving! Then age 60 and retirement seems right around the corner from that--how's my 401K doing?? 70 and 80 aren't far behind, and then . . . well, then the end approaches.

I think about trees I planted last year. By the time they reach the current height of the trees they are supposed to eventually replace, I'll be circling the drain.

I had a cardiologist mentor in residency who used to tell his patients, "My job is to get you to age 85. Everything after that is gravy." I've taken that to heart. I hope to live a vigorous, intellectually and physically active lifestyle up to age 85. That's when I'll start taking up high risk sports--ice climbing, anyone? So that gives me 45 years. (Hey, that means I'm not quite at the halfway point yet . . .)

But through all of these oscillations through time, my whole life I've struggled with that feeling of preemptive nostalgia. "I'm missing it! It's slipping away from me! Slow down, please. STOP!" I still feel those desperate epiphanies of my own mortality, the essential ephemerality of my life. But it's less now. I feel less clingy to the moment. I'm less of a packrat. Less concerned about clutching memories, or about what happens next week, or in the next life. And I think that's a good step for me.

I've seen a couple thought-provoking movies in the last few weeks dealing with the concept of time. The first was Interstellar by Christopher Nolan. Overall, I liked this movie, but there were giant plot holes (beyond mere relativity paradoxes), and I was disappointed because I hoped for a little more from the man who gave us Inception, that most perfect of movies.


But I really liked the central thrust of this story, that a father must travel to a black hole in another galaxy in order to enter another dimension where he must manipulate time and gravity to communicate with his daughter before he even left, and thus save the earth. Somewhat mind-bending. This plot device allows him to distantly observe his daughter aging while he enters a relativity-induced time slow-down. A few weeks to him passes as a few decades to her. Eventually, they reunite, where she has reached advanced age, crippled and dying, while he's still a strapping middle-aged man. Then strangely, this father-daughter reunion, which was the central thrust of the movie, lasts all of five minutes before Matthew McConaughey commandeers another spaceship (one that, being invented 50 years after his earth-age, he should have no business knowing how to pilot, right?) But never mind that. It's the fire in his heart that drives him on another urgent (why so urgent Matthew? You've got a looong time to figure this out!) death-defying mission to rescue the girl he loves who may or may not be alive in another galaxy . . . so geriatric-dying daughter be damned! True love calls.  (That's what I mean by some glaring holes . . .)

But the haunting line from the movie that serves as its emotional center is this, delivered in Matthew McConaughey's laconic Texas drawl: "We are the ghosts of our children's future." What we do now--or don't do--will reverberate across time and space. Ripples going out and coming back to us. Now is forever.

And then last night, Elizabeth and I saw a phenomenal movie that again featured black holes and had the passage of time as a central motif, but this one was in fact a perfect film: The Theory of Everything, the true story of the marriage of atheist astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, who is still alive but suffers from total physical debilitation from his Lou Gehrig's disease, and his church-going humanities-oriented PhD wife, Jane. 



The acting was Oscar worthy and totally convincing.  (Eddie Redmayne, are you sure you're not Stephen Hawking? ) There is an unexpected twist in the movie, so I won't spoil it, because you really should see this movie. But let's just say the movie is replete with tensions between faith and science, theirs being a literal marriage of the two. Their love and loyalty was tested to unpredictable depths as his illness progressed. There is a fair amount of digestible physics, culminating in Hawking's insight that time, like space, was once compressed into a single instant at the Big Bang, meaning (as I understand it) that to ask the question of what happened before the Big Bang is not a valid question. There was no before or after. All time was present in that singular instant. 

Spirals figured prominently in the movie. Staircases, coffee clouds, galaxies. So it was the final scene of the movie, beginning as Stephen and Jane are watching their children spiraling through a lush garden, that made me suddenly catch my breath, a moment of movie magic, a literal, spiraling rewind of the clock that seemed to merge the spiritual with the physical. "Look what we made," Stephen says through his computerized voice, as they watch their turbulent marriage flash before their eyes, a marriage which, despite its ups and downs and total improbability, produced these beautiful children before them. It rewinds all the way back to where they first kissed on a spring night by a river in the soft lights of evening. 

Ever since adolescence--for some reason beginning after my grandmother's funeral--I've been intermittently, acutely aware of the passage of time. I've heard it said somewhere that we are shackled to the the front of a speeding one-way train of time, propelled forward at the cutting edge of history, where it is always now. Or put another way, "Time is the school in which we learn, time is the fire in which we burn." This sense of time slipping away has had real effects on my lifestyle and life decisions. (For instance, I've paid for way too many speeding tickets. But hey, I've got to get from point A to point B as fast as I can, right? Time is wasting!)

When I was a believing Mormon, I seemed to feel all of this angst about time acutely, even to the point of occasional paralysis. There was a program laid out for me, very schematic, something we were all plugged into, The Great Plan of Salvation. I was special, born into a believing family in "the fullness of time," and thus my mortal life on earth was a thing with consequences that would ripple throughout eternities, worlds without number. This seemed so pressure-packed! There was some other time and place that really mattered, and this moment, this life, was just a stepping stone, or, more problematically, an obstacle to that. And stepping stones, indeed! They were many and relentless. There was a beginning, middle, and end, defined steps, to be done sequentially and at important chronological milestones: ages 8, 12, 14, 16, 18, 19, 21. . .  Just hop on the train, make all the required stops, and you'll be guaranteed to make it to your final destination. Then enjoy your reward!

But I've come to think differently now. (At least I'm trying to. Old thought habits die hard.) There's nothing out there. There's nothing next. There is no Tree of Life at the end of the Iron Rod along the Straight and Narrow Path. There is no veil. There is no Celestial Kingdom. At least nothing that exists "out there." The Kingdom of God is within us. Right here, right now. Nowhere=Now/Here. Forever is Now. Now is Forever.

Or as Master Oogway from the immortal King Fu Panda said:

"You're too concerned about what was and what will be. There is a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why it's called the present."
I always loved the final verse of Amazing Grace, and its attempt to convey the timelessness of heaven:
When we've been there ten thousand years, 
Bright shining as the sun, 
We've no less days to sing God's praise 
Than when we've first begun.

That's sort of it, I guess, except we don't have to wait for a heaven, or for ten thousand years, to have that enlightenment. Infinite doesn't mean a gazillion + 1. To say that this life is just a small dot on the timeline of eternity seems to miss the point. Any division of infiniti? Still infiniti. You can't paraphrase it, or fast forward it, or pause it. You experience it, right now, in its fullness, like it or not.

This is a tough one to wrap my finite, goal-oriented Western mind around. I feel like, when I'm getting into peaceful abiding in my meditation practice, I almost get there, can almost taste it. But never just quite. And never for too long. Time pulls me back onto its train, into its slow burn. But it's still fun to try, and important. And frustrating and scary. Because when we start looking at this time, this moment, this instant, as an actual infiniti, then boundaries begin to blur, self begins to dissolve a little more. And there's something about our minds, when faced with extinction or sublimation, that flails for the brakes. "Self"-preservation.

This psychological battle with time promises to be a life long struggle, until one day time runs out, and then it's not.

(Here's a song I wrote a few years ago about this tension:  Space and Time  Thanks to my brothers Matt and Jeff for playing on it and producing it.)

Time Is The Fire In Which We Burn

Calmly We Walk through This April’s Day

BY DELMORE SCHWARTZ
Calmly we walk through this April’s day,   
Metropolitan poetry here and there,   
In the park sit pauper and rentier,   
The screaming children, the motor-car   
Fugitive about us, running away,   
Between the worker and the millionaire   
Number provides all distances,   
It is Nineteen Thirty-Seven now,   
Many great dears are taken away,   
What will become of you and me 
(This is the school in which we learn ...)   
Besides the photo and the memory? 
(... that time is the fire in which we burn.) 

(This is the school in which we learn ...)   
What is the self amid this blaze? 
What am I now that I was then 
Which I shall suffer and act again, 
The theodicy I wrote in my high school days   
Restored all life from infancy, 
The children shouting are bright as they run   
(This is the school in which they learn ...)   
Ravished entirely in their passing play! 
(... that time is the fire in which they burn.) 

Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! 
Where is my father and Eleanor? 
Not where are they now, dead seven years,   
But what they were then? 
                                     No more? No more? 
From Nineteen-Fourteen to the present day,   
Bert Spira and Rhoda consume, consume 
Not where they are now (where are they now?)   
But what they were then, both beautiful; 

Each minute bursts in the burning room,   
The great globe reels in the solar fire,   
Spinning the trivial and unique away. 
(How all things flash! How all things flare!)   
What am I now that I was then?   
May memory restore again and again   
The smallest color of the smallest day:   
Time is the school in which we learn,   
Time is the fire in which we burn.